


Mystery Social Science Theater 202X

by light_rises



Series: the kids are (not) alright [2]
Category: Deltarune (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Autistic Kris (Deltarune), Awkward Flirting, Conversations, Developing Relationship, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lancer POV, Multi, Post-Canon (for Chapter 1), Pre-Slash, Prehensile Outerwear, Self-Destructive Tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 12:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18388664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/light_rises/pseuds/light_rises
Summary: "Yeah!!! Like... listen." Susie lifts a hand to point a claw at Ralsei, almost sticking it up his nose. "The deal's this: me, grilling you. Good ol' fashioned Twenty Questions. Or... okay, I probably won't get up to twenty if we're gonna be real about thisbut." Her hand resettles on Ralsei's shoulder as she leans down. "After I ask something, you'll get the floor. Say as much as you want! No us tuning out, no cutting you off. How's that sound?"--The $!$! Squad reunites!!! Shenanigans make it increasingly obvious that social graces aren't anyone's strong suit, though.(Or: Ralsei says "fuck". Really.)





	Mystery Social Science Theater 202X

It's Day Two into this snazzy new era of Legendary Lightners dropping in to visit pals (see: yours truly) plus whatever zesty business they get up to when you're _not_ around, and Susie is... well. Today she's not hanging out with you so much?

You mean, to be fair she is _now_ , and it's great! Demolishing the last of Ralsei's celebratory cupcakes while lazing in the fields this side of Card Kingdom turns out to be a pretty sweet bonding activity. You get to lick off the frosting and make little crinkly hats out of the wrappers while Susie wolfs down the cake chunks. Teamwork at its finest, if you do say so yourself.

Earlier though—like, literally right after you met up with everyone—that was different, with Susie taking Ralsei aside for whatever mysterious reason while you finally got some one-on-one time with the blue-friend-whose-name-still-escapes-you (JEEZ okay Susie mentioned it and everything, what was it... ummm. "Kringly"? "Rice Krispy Treats"?? You... should ask her later maybe). Even if it wasn't what you expected, you and they had a nice ten minutes together! It was mostly you talking at the human while they nodded or shook their head or fumbled over replies in a quiet voice or shot back in a breakneck monotone—not in a rude way, at least from what you could tell. You'd call it "awkward", actually. _Actually_ actually, the blue kid is... hm. A little different from what you remember yesterday? Then again the same goes for Susie, compared to when you first met her. The difference a day can make, etcetera etcetera! And for all you know the human just woke up on the other side of the bed this morning (not the "wrong" side, unless you count how they look more tired on top of everything else). Whatever the case, it'd be weird to have a beef with that.

ANYWAY things are great right now, no complaints about these primo hangouts with your Very Bestie. And then Susie grunts, arches her back until it cracks a couple times, and sits up. "Hey, Lancer."

"Yeah?" you say.

She's squinting at two Dark Candy trees a little ways from you both, where Ralsei and the human have camped out while doing the whole "alone together" thing, a.k.a. leaning against opposite sides of seperate tree trunks ( _definitely_ different from yesterday; those two were practically attached at the hip, and now this??). "You're seeing this, right?" she says, head jerking their way. "You get what's wrong with this picture?"

"Yeah!!" You drop the wrapper you were working on; it flutters to the grass as a tragic half-hat. "Are they fighting or something? Ralsei was tailing your friend like a cute little puppy dog yesterday and it seemed mutual. This... " You make a face, tongue peeking out glumly. "It's kind of sad."

"S'not great, no." Susie makes a face too, shakes her head before scratching the side of her snout. "They're not fighting, it's... just. Kinda on the complicated side? Dunno how much I can tell you." After a moment, she leans in close and lowers her voice. "I gave Ralsei a rundown of what I think the deal is and he's, like, trying to stay in their orbit in case they wanna spill their guts or he works up the nerve to talk it out. Which—uh, no details, but I'm not holding my breath on the first one." She snorts, eyes going half-mast. "Plus I don't think Ralsei knows how to... initiate, I guess? The dude can get so friggin' _shy_ around them if he's not explaining Dark World mechanics or whatever, it's ridiculous."

You hum sadly. "Those two being weird while we're over here sittin' pretty doesn't feel like 'squad goals', if you ask me."

Susie grunts again, nostrils flaring. "Damn straight it doesn't."

"Are you trying to scheme a way into moving things along?"

"Eh... " Susie looks at you askance as she rubs the back of her neck. "Kinda? I'm WAY up for ideas, just sitting on my hands while nothing happens fucking blows, it's just... I'm not sure there's anything we _should_ do except wait things out. Or, shit, I dunno, maybe that's just the coward's way out??" She lets her back hit the ground with an almighty _thud_ , going spreadeagled. "This whole sitch blows, basically."

You maneuver yourself to get back in her line of sight, mouth tweaked sympathetically. "Well," you say, "if you wanna workshop ideas, I say the thing we go with has to be sneaky! Downright diabolical! We should... hmmmm." You tap a finger to your chin, then raise it skyward as it hits you. "Oh!! Let's get that charming little kumquat to blather about all sorts of nonsense, 'til he runs out of things to say! Then he'll HAVE to talk about whatever-it-is."

"Man, Lancer, I don't—" Susie freezes, eyes going wide and round. They flick back to you after a couple seconds. " _Dude_ ," she says, face lighting up. "Actually... " She whips her head towards the alone-together duo. "Shit. Okay. Okay. Lancer"—she pushes off the ground, rolls to her feet—"follow my lead, or... just back me up, alright? I'm going in."

"Aye aye!" you say. Ohhh you can't WAIT to see where this goes.

With a pause to roll her shoulders, Susie turns to face the trees, then advances a step before cupping her hands around her mouth. She inhales. " _HEY!! RALSEI._ "

You see the prince jump halfway out of his skin (fur??), then lean away from his tree. The blue kid's head turns toward Susie, too. "Is something the matter, Susie?!" Ralsei calls back.

"Nah dude, just get your fluffy butt over here! We're doing a thing. You too, Kris."

The two share a glance from their respective trees. Ralsei shrugs, gets to his feet and steps away. The human— _Kris_ , right right—hesitates, but they straighten and stretch and leave their tree too, trailing the prince by a few feet.

Ralsei waits until he's more than halfway to you and Susie before not-shouting, "'A thing'? What did you have in mind?"

And then _Susie_ waits until Ralsei's about six feet away before taking the two strides she needs to meet him where he's at. "Ralsei," she says, "my dude," then claps both hands onto his shoulders. She's wearing one of those grins you haven't advanced far enough in your Cuss Tiers to say what kind it is, at least not yet. "My _man_."

"... Susie." His tone is still pleasant, but you can feel the suspicion starting to roll off of him. The tails of his weird magic scarf have perked up, at the ready for whatever.

"Aw c'mon, don't look at me like that. Give it a minute and you'll see this is gonna be, like, your luckiest day ever??" She looks over her shoulder at you. "Lancer, give him an idea of how lucky he is!"

You "do-hoho" merrily. "If she's about to do what I think she is," you say, "you're gonna be over the moon in ten seconds flat. Put another way: suit up for Funsville, amigo!!"

"Yeah!!! Like... listen." Susie lifts a hand to point a claw at Ralsei, almost sticking it up his nose. "The deal's this: me, grilling you. Good ol' fashioned Twenty Questions. Or... okay, I probably won't get up to twenty if we're gonna be real about this _but_." Her hand resettles on Ralsei's shoulder as she leans down. "After I ask something, you'll get the floor. Say as much as you want! No us tuning out, no cutting you off. How's that sound?"

Those seem like the magic words at first: Ralsei is _beaming_ , so hard you can practically hear the cheery vibes whizz past your head, and it's pretty adorable frankly. "Susie, I... " he says. Then his shining eyes dim a little, narrowing. "This isn't some kind of trick, is it?"

"It's not!! Look, it's—" She sighs, grimaces, then leans in until she's practically snuffling one of Ralsei's fluffy black ears. Her voice goes so low you almost don't catch it when she says, "Remember what we talked about earlier?"

"... Ah." Ralsei's eyes flit to Kris, who's been watching all this with a tilted head and now a look that's not— _exactly_ a frown, but it gives you the impression they know they're being discussed. "Um. This is related how, though...?" the prince says, in a undertone matching Susie's.

"Just trust me on this, okay? You'll catch on." A pause, where Susie straightens, pursing her lips. She cocks her head to the side in a way that's probably meant to be aloof and stuff but just looks kind of embarrassed. " _Please_ ," she adds, through her teeth.

Ohh, the _other_ magic word. This softens Ralsei and his erstwhile scarf right up. "Well, if that's the case—uh. _Of course_?? Yes! Oh wow." He claps his paws together, dainty feet stamping in place a couple times before he stills and clears his throat. "I mean. That is to say," he adds, in calmer tones, "I should warn you, there are a lot of areas where my knowledge is... mm, approximate at best. But!! I'd be more than happy to answer whatever I can to the best of my ability!"

"Sweet deal." Susie claps him on the back as she lets go. You, uh, guess it was with a heavy hand—Ralsei staggers forward, narrowly stops himself from a faceplant by pinwheeling his arms while his scarf swoops upward to keep his hat from flying off. "Uh," says Susie. "Sorry. Actually, y'might wanna settle down there anyway? This could take a while."

"No time like the present to get this started!" you chime in. You brush the tiny paper hats off your lap as you stand up, to give your legs a stretch and let your feet rock in the squishy grass beneath them. "We just ran out of cupcakes, anyway."

His wits (and balance) regathered, Ralsei looks at the scatter of wrappers huddled in the grass now, like particularly crummy snow. "Lancer, don't you want to keep those... ?"

"Huh? Oh nah, that's trash now!" you say. "They've met their fun quota and I'm setting them free."

"Oh," he says. Then, his expression shifting to Politely Pointed, "Then we should probably clean up, before we forget later."

You touch a hand to the side of your face. "Oh right!! You're worried about the Litter Patrol, aren't you?"

The prince's fuzzy brows arch upward. "I didn't know Card Kingdom had anything like that?"

"I was being metaphorical, you delectable goofus." When he frowns at you, you step up to Ralsei and give one of his arms a friendly pat. "Anyhoo, you don't have to sweat about any of that! I'm the Head Honcho 'round these parts so I say... we'll pick it up later! _Boom_. Done and done, laterward."

"I... really don't want to step on any toes here," he says, pushing up his glasses to give the curve of muzzle below his eyes a rub. "But I'm just concerned that—"

A _shhk- **thunk**_ stops him dead and draws your eyes a few feet to the right. Kris has their sword out, its tip nestled in the ground and—kinda hard to see it through the grass, but—handily spearing one of your hats. They lift the whole shebang by the hilt as their head inclines very slightly towards you and Ralsei.

"I'm on it," they say, and now you see that they've repurposed their blue-magenta cape thing into a pouch slung around their free arm. They proceed to tap the speared wrapper against the pouch's opening until it slips off their sword and falls in. "Don't worry about it."

" _Dude_." That comes from Susie; it's not exactly the same as the "dude" she used on you, though it's still good-natured. " _Seriously?_ "

"Why not?" Kris retorts, like it's simple and obvious. "Like you wouldn't do the same thing if you had a big sword."

She spurns this with a "pfft", then, "Don't get me wrong, I respect the power move and all but—look, first off: I've got _a huge axe??_ I'm not trading that for anything. Also, ha ha, real funny implying I'd go around picking up litter in the first place."

Kris goes stock-still for a moment. "You would, though." Their voice is quiet, but they sound... kind-of-for-real serious? Whoa.

Susie scoffs right back. "Uh?? No I wouldn't???"

Their mouth twists, like either they're thinking real hard or they've just tasted something impressively sour, and then—then Kris straightens, pivots Susie's way while jabbing their sword into the ground. They brush aside their bangs, kind of badly, still enough that you can see red eyes peeking through and narrowed at her. Double-whoa. "Susie. Last Tuesday you cleaned up after Berdly because he didn't—he couldn't be assed to put a bag of popato chisps in the trash? Because, he sucks? You were, like, cussing him out while you slamdunked his shit in the wastebasket. Come _on_."

This is... actually, you're pretty sure this is the most Kris has said all at once since you've met them (talk about a Whoa Trifecta)?? Meanwhile, Susie is sputtering. "I—the hell— _you saw that???_ "

"I was passing by after PE. Didn't... want to hang out in the locker rooms. To change and stuff, so." Their shoulders hunch, with a shrug that doesn't quite end. "Y'know. Shortcut behind the gym." They look down, start fiddling with the hem of their right glove. "Sorry if that was creepy," they mumble.

Susie frowns at this, sharply. "What? No man, nah, I've done way worse, believe me."

"For what it's worth," Ralsei says suddenly, in a soft voice, "just observing something while you're passing through doesn't strike me as creepy, Kris. Not the way you talked about it, at least."

"Yeah, but people get worked up over the dumbest crap back at home and it sucks." Susie sidles over to Kris, and they list into her side in a way that looks suspiciously reflexive. She seems to take that as her cue to drape a hand on their shoulder. "Anyway. Ralsei's right and I'm not even all that mad I've been"—she raises her free hand to make exaggerated air-quotes—" _'exposed'_ for the dweeby golly-gee-whiz goodnik I am, I fucking guess."

As he smiles, one end of Ralsei's scarf lifts and undoes one of the coils around his neck in a charming sweep. "There's no shame in being environmentally conscious, Susie."

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Next up is me getting showered with 'Caught Being Good!' awards because that's just my life now."

In the beat of silence after that, Kris angles their head at Susie. She stares back, unblinking. They escalate with a "hmm" and a tap of their chin.

"... Kris. Oh my god. You know I was joking, right?"

They answer by neatly prying her hand off their shoulder. Well, you guess that's Part One of the answer: Part Two is Kris strutting to their sword and retrieving it, followed by jabbing it into another of the wrapper-hats on the ground. They cinch the paper off with their fingers, then—actually you don't know, they've turned away now. You don't see a darn ding-dong thing until Kris reapproaches Susie, all exaggerated decorum, a crumpled and vaguely star-shaped object in hand. Said object gets pinned to a lapel of her jacket, with a huge paperclip. (You charitably assume they've _had_ a huge paperclip stowed in their inventory for just such an occasion.)

"It's even gold," Kris says, dusting off their hands. Then, as they step back from Susie, they go in for the kill: they give her... a thumbs-up. It's thoroughly sincere.

Ralsei claps with gusto, also sincerely. Susie groans.

"Amazing," you say, not a jot sarcastically; as if _you'd_ be the one to break this radical chain of sincerity. "You just stood there and took that positive reinforcement like a champ!"

"Susie," Ralsei starts, and you'd swear his eyes are _legitimately wet_ , "have I mentioned before how proud I am of you?"

"Oh my GOD you guys, _shut up!!!_ " Face red, Susie spins on her heels to stomp off—for all of ten feet before she plops down, one leg folded while the other splays out defiantly, glowering at all of you from the ground. Kris has a hand pressed to their mouth, looking for all the world like they're trying not to bust a gut as Susie blusters, "Whatever! Are we gonna do this thing or what??"

It doesn't escape your (and probably no one else's) attention that Susie has made no attempt to remove her star. You think it suits her, anyway.

\--

After the several-odd minutes it takes for everyone to get settled in a loose circle, you lead off with, "Ahem! Before we get this show on the road, I just wanted to say: if this all goes sideways, it was basically my idea and if ANYONE deserves to get booed off the stage of activity-making, it's gonna be me."

Susie stares at you baldly for a few seconds. "Uh. Lancer. Not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but... normally you don't throw _yourself_ under the bus when you say junk like that?"

"I know! But I'm supposed to be a good guy now, so I figured I should do the opposite."

Ralsei chuckles gently. "That's noble of you, Lancer, but it's not really necessary. No one's going to get into trouble here."

"Right," Susie says. "The worse that's gonna happen is Mister Cute Ball of Pedantic Fluff over there getting on my case for being a jackass."

"Only if you're excessively rude about it," Ralsei says, then aims a prim smile at Susie that gets both of them laughing for some reason.

As this trails off, Kris leans forward carefully and looks at Susie. They say, in an odd tone, "... Did you just call Ralsei 'cute'?"

Susie freezes, blanching. Then, like someone just yanked a cord labeled _Pull To Make Monster Salsa* (*dumps regular salsa on the nearest monster, easy-peasy!!)_ , she's red-faced all over again. "Wh— _no??_ I didn't???"

Kris just props their left elbow on one bent knee, chin coming to a rest on the knuckles of their left fist. Their mouth twitches in a way that makes you weirdly certain they're raising an eyebrow at her.

"Oh my god. Don't you goddamn go there, we're NOT doing this again."

"You did say it though," you put in, then swing your head over to Kris. "Anyway, why d'you gotta point that out like it's weird? I just called Ralsei a 'cute patoot' this morning. Heck, I call him 'cute' all the time! Starting yesterday!"

"G-guys... "

The three of you turn to see Ralsei blushing up _slightly_ less of a storm than Susie. He coughs into his fist, both ends of his scarf fluttering vaguely. "This is—flattering?? Really! But we should probably stay on-task here." 

" _Thank you._ " Susie bristles with relief, and since everyone seems to be on the same page when it comes to "not mentioning that Ralsei's voice had cracked", you follow suit. "It's not like we can dick around forever anyway," she adds. "Someone's covering for us topside and I don't know how long that's gonna hold up."

Based on the face he pulls, Ralsei doesn't understand that combo of words anymore than you do. Or, you guess not, since he asks, "Wait, you mean in the Light World?"

"Uh, yeah? Guess this is a newsflash for you, but getting dropkicked here in the first place was like, a fluke. Or—you'd say it's 'destiny' and all that, whatever. The point is we had to _plan_ this shit today."

"Oh... oh." The little wizard looks down, threading his fingers in a clasp. His smile and general font of politeness don't make it less obvious that he's crestfallen, you notice. "I-if we're working on a time crunch—you said this could take a while, in which case... maybe we should postpone this for a later visit," he says, ever the diplomat.

"We can _make_ the time," Kris says, with a suddenness that seems to catch Ralsei the most off-guard. "We'll just, stay. As long as we have to."

"Kris... " Susie's leveling them with a look you can't make heads or tails of.

"I'm not even supposed to be at school today," they press on. Their head has turned toward Susie. "Maybe you'll have to leave but who's gonna miss me before tonight? My mom? Y'know, that—it could be a fun experiment or something, seeing if she'll even no—"

" _Kris._ " You've only seen Susie look this serious one other time, but it's... softer than that, somehow. "Dude. I get it."

"You really don't," they mumble.

"I _get_ that you don't wanna leave." She half-growls this, then sucks in a breath that loosens her up. "Believe me, if I could I'd set up camp and fucking, make a Dark World slumber party out of it? But... honestly I dunno what would happen if we stayed more than a few hours, and I don't mean back at home. We've gotta eat, man." She shoots Ralsei a look. "Uh, no offense to your cupcakes. They rule, it's just—"

"None taken, and yes, I know." Ralsei's sigh is gentle but resigned. "She has a point, Kris. It wasn't always the case and maybe this'll change in the future, but right now this world isn't set up to house Lightners on more than a transitory basis—"

" _ **Don't.**_ Fucking lecture me, okay."

You sit up straight; Susie tenses, and Ralsei recoils like he's been slapped. Kris had rounded on him to say that, still hasn't moved. They're breathing hard.

"I... " Ralsei's weird scarf hitches up around his neck, almost to his nostrils. One end of it makes a stiff effort to wrap around his left arm. "Sorry," he says, voice pitched high and muffled. "I'm so sorry. I won't—I'll keep my mouth shut. Sorry."

At this, what you can see of Kris' face just... _crumples_. They mutter something as they shoot to their feet, in an awkward half-stagger.

They get as far as backing away a step and turning heel before they're snagged to a halt, by Susie's hand on their wrist. " _Hey_ ," she says, once they lock eyes. The wildest part is that she doesn't look all that mad, just, a double-stacked sort of serious? If this is going somewhere, Kris shakes their head and wrests out of Susie's grip before it can. She doesn't go after them.

The good news is that you've spent the past few seconds prepping for this, so now _you're_ the one standing in Kris' way as they stop and blink at you through their bangs. Actually, everyone is blinking at you. You're tricky like that.

Kris is in no mood to appreciate it, though. "Lancer. Move," they grit out.

You stare them down without budging, arms folded. "Nothin' doin'."

Their hands curl into a clench at their sides. "What... ever you guys were really up to I _ruined it_. It's done. Just let me go."

Susie and the prince share a crudely undisguised Look off to the side. You click your tongue and hum, for your part. Hoo boy. To be honest this sitch is a little too familiar for comfort—less than twenty-four hours later!! sheesh—but at least you're pretty sure Kris isn't raring for a fight. "Sigh. Does this always gotta come down to me swooping in to save everyone's overdramatic tushes?"

"... You've, literally only done that once," Ralsei says, then blinks. "Wait, 'overdramatic'?"

"Hold the phone, fancytights! I'm trying to do you a solid here." You point a finger at Kris, with as much flare as you can muster. Maybe they'll appreciate _that_. "Now, you! Much as I respect the quasi-aura of mystery, I got questions that need answers, and here's the big one: do you... have a dad?"

This stops Kris dead in their efforts to scoot around you. "Wh—"

"Actually that's not important, cuz in case you haven't noticed? _I'm_ the dad." You jab your pointing finger at their chest; it makes a satisfying _plink_ against their armor. "Head Honcho, AND dad privileges! All right here, Mixter. And _as_ acting dad-in-chief, I command you as follows: ... uh. Um, I dunno, maybe chill?? Apologize? Reseat your derrière in the snarrière of our cute little bear trap of friendship? Hrm." You make a face, retracting your finger to tap the tip of your tongue. "Okay, maybe not in that order, but—"

"HEY ALRIGHT, that's—enough?" Susie's suddenly right up in your grill, halfway interposed between you and Kris. By your reckoning _she's_ the most startled by this, what with her looking just as suddenly awkward. "Uh. Lancer, buddy, I get that you're trying to help, but... " She stops to frown, though not in a harsh way. "Sometimes... things happen, and you've just gotta let people walk away from a tense scene? And then lay off 'em for a while."

The way she's talking about this gives you pause; it's obviously coming from _somewhere_. On the other hand: "I guess, but... is letting them get away with it really a good guy thing?"

"'Get away wi'—" Susie groans, drags a hand down her face. "Dude, they're not... that's not what's going on here." 

"Then why did you try to stop them before?"

"Because I thought... okay, look. Y'know how Ralsei said no one was getting in trouble?"

"Yyyeah?"

"Well, _they're_ not in trouble." Her shoulders twitch upward, like she's aborting a shrug. "It's... we'll worry about talking it out later, okay? Kris just needs a break."

"Oh." You... guess that's reassuring, kind of. But you're pretty sure Ralsei wasn't talking about something like this?? Then again, as you glimpse Kris and how they're holding themself like they'd have their hands shoved in their pockets if their getup had any to offer, another thing is starting to bother you even more. "Hey, is Susie right?" you ask them. "You just need to skedaddle for a bit?"

Kris jerks in place, like they weren't expecting to be spoken to. Their tentative ne'er-do-well status aside, this is hitting you square in the sympathy gland. "Can I just go," they say in a flat, tiny voice.

Your frown deepens, by more than a couple magnitudes. Man. Is it just you or does this feel—

Recent moments with King Dad (to be henceforth referred to as "Jailbird Dad") shove themselves to the forefront of your thoughts, in a queasy flicker. Oh. Yup. "Familiar" it is, then.

Susie's saying "Yeah bud, go ahead," and Kris brushes past you as you try to figure out what to even _do_ with this nugget of thinkmatter. You watch their retreating back and then spare Ralsei a glance; Ralsei, still seated, staring despondently at the patch of grass in front of him, who apart from a remark at you has been true to his word to keep his mouth shut.

 _Well_ , says the part of you that's impatiently tapping his foot the hardest, _who's the one with the crown here, again?_

 _D'you even have to ask??_ you tell yourself, and then you trot after Kris, Susie saying something you promptly ignore. Instead of overtaking them, you settle for catching up and trying to match their pace. "So," you say, shooting for conversational, "just to clear the air before you scoot, did Ralsei say something wrong before?" A couple seconds later, you add in a smaller voice, "Did _I_ say something wrong? Was I too... bossy?"

Kris stops walking, and so do you. They don't look your way, but their throat works and jaw tightens like they're gearing up to say something. You stand at their side patiently.

"It wasn't you, or him," they answer, in a low, low voice. "Not really. I'm just... I'm messed up. I'm, a big jerk."

You pull a face, clicking your tongue again. Okay, maybe they're not the VERY nicest person you've ever met, but this doesn't sound right at all. "III dunno about that," you say. "What I _do_ know is a thing or two about being bad, and when it comes to that you're no—hey, _hey!_ What's with that look, you were there!! You know, all that Legendary Hero Hoopla? The villain stint?? My wicked and wiley attempts on your life???"

They snort, which would make you more indignant if their mouth wasn't flirting with a smile. It comes to your attention that Susie's standing a few paces behind where you and Kris are, and Ralsei has finally gotten to his feet, still looking a bit wary. They're both keeping some distance, like they know stepping in would be crowding right now.

"ANYway," you continue, "the point is you can't pretend I didn't see you doing all kinds of hero stuff yesterday! Being a rude fudgebucket, like, once in a while? If that cancels out everything else that'd be the worst kind of math." You cross your arms again, nodding. "That's _my_ very professional and royal opinion, at least."

It doesn't seem to matter, though: the trace of a smile gets traded for a pained look from Kris, and you're left with the sinking feeling that you said the wrong thing. "But. Yesterday wasn't—" Their face scrunches as they lick their lips, then tuck the bottom one in under their teeth. They hold that face for a few seconds, until, "I. That wasn't, the same," they say, like they're squeezing the words out. "Not the same _me_."

... Alright, you weren't going to say anything but you guess?? This means your bed theory was right after all??? That's probably not gonna cut it as a response, though.

"Well, Susie's not the same from yesterday either," you point out. "And hey, _I'm_ not the same me! Although I guess you could say we just figured out how to be, uh, _more_ like ourselves? Because of friendship?? Or, something."

From this angle, you can see Kris' eyes go wide, blink rapidly. Then their face grows even more pained. "That's the thing, though. If it's me it's... bad. Not like with everyone else."

"Oh, Kris."

That's... Susie _and_ Ralsei, though you're pretty sure Susie didn't tack on the "oh". When you look their way, Susie's attention is drawn to Ralsei and Ralsei's paws have flown to his muzzle, like a perp caught at the scene of a crime. Whether it's all the eyes boring into him or something you can't see, a thought scurrying through his brain, that look on his face doesn't last. His brows slowly dip, and with decisive movements he lowers his arms, adjusts his shopworn robes with a _fwip_ , and then practically lopes toward Kris. Susie is right on his heels.

"I'm sorry," he says when he gets close, "I'm really sorry, I swear I'll shut up for good after this, but... " He stops in front of Kris, breathes deep, and his face softens as his paws come together. "A couple things. First, I know the time we spent together was... complicated, by the way things stood yesterday." His head cocks to one side, eyes gone both shrewd and a little cautious as he continues, voice lowered, "And no longer stand, if my guess isn't off... ?"

Kris hesitates, but when they nod at him it's decisive. You have literally _no_ idea what they're both talking about, and turning to Susie doesn't help since she just shrugs at you, stuck in the same Boat of Baffled.

In any case, Ralsei smiles a tiny bit and nods back. "Alright. Well, maybe this won't make a whole lot of sense all things considered, but... Kris, there isn't a single thing you've said or done today that makes me feel any different about you. You're still my friend, and I trust you."

"Yeah, same here," Susie puts in. "And I'm not just saying that because you literally saved my ass yesterday. Though, y'know. That was cool too." She coughs and ducks her head; the blush(??? okay?) creeps past her bangs anyway. "I know that just telling you you're a 'good person' or whatever doesn't help, but... I was kinda, y'know. Stoked about coming back today. And you went through a shitload of trouble to make sure you could come with. I, uh. Think that's pretty rad, personally."

Kris huffs something that's barely a laugh. "Did that for myself, too," they say. "And... Ralsei, you're right. It doesn't make sense. You guys shouldn't trust me."

"Welp, too late for that!" Susie crows. "You're gonna have to try harder than—I dunno, whatever you're worried about?? Anyway, we're not ditching you that easy, right Ralsei?"

The whole load of Nothing following that is deafening.

"... Uh."

Watching Susie's grin shift from broad to strained is almost funny, except you've noticed along with her that not only has Ralsei not answered, he _seems to be seriously thinking about this_. The dangling parts of his scarf are curled up tight, like scrolls.

"... Ralsei." Susie (gently!!) claps a hand to his shoulder, whirls him around to face her. He and scarf alike make no move to resist. "Buddy," she says, voice as rigid as her smile, "hey? _What the fuck._ "

He snaps out of it, with a few blinks and... and, giggling? Lots of it. He presses a paw to his mouth as it just _keeps going_. Susie goggles at him a moment before stepping back, with a wheezed and miniscule " _what the fuck, man_ ".

You have ZERO clue what to do here so it's good that Kris seems less daunted, if only slightly. They approach Ralsei and stretch out a timid hand, toward one end of his scarf. It unfurls, also timid; it wraps around their gloved wrist with a soft touch, then... Kris takes it from there once it's obvious where the scarf is guiding their hand to. They grip one of Ralsei's paws and say his name, pitched up like a question, almost inaudible.

You guess that does the trick. He finally starts to collect himself, catching his breath between hiccups. "I'm s, sorry," he sputters, "I just—when you tell me to do something my first instinct is to follow through with it! Even if I don't—even though believing in you is my job too, and that aside it's already what I—oh, _wow_." His laughter peters out. After he wipes at his eyes, he keeps his thumb and forefinger pressed to his eyelids. "Seam was right. I'm not, sustainable like this? I really am f—" He swallows hard and coughs, paw lowering. "A, big mess. Ha." He gives Kris a meek smile as he says, "Some friend and purported guide to the Dark Realm I turned out to be, huh?"

Instead of answering right away, Kris bows their head until their chin is practically touching their chest. They're still holding Ralsei's paw when their face gets all crumply again and they say, "M'sorry," and—jeez, they sound so _wretched_. You'd offer them a hug if you knew it was the right time for it. "For cussing you out. And being shitty."

"Oh. Kris... " He lifts his free paw, like he's going to touch the side of Kris' face before he thinks better of it and just settles it on the hand he's already holding. "Honestly, if anything _I_ should be the one apologizing," he insists. "Gosh, see, that was the other thing: none of this would've happened if I'd just worked up the darn nerve to _ask_ why you've been"—he inhales sharply, looks away—"avoiding me today." The rest of the breath whistles past his lips. "Instead of chickening out and trying to be sneaky about it."

A moment stretches where Kris seems to bite back five different responses to this. Then, "So. The Twenty Questions—"

"Was my idea," Susie cuts in. "Ralsei just agreed to roll with it after I pushed him, so like. Don't pin it all on him, okay?"

"Why, though." Kris' affect is flat, but you're not sure if it's because they're mad or upset or what.

Susie sighs from deep in her chest, cards fingers through her bangs and the floof on her scalp before letting her hand sit there. "I had this, dumb idea that if I could ask Ralsei a bunch of questions—stuff nobody back at home could answer or, I dunno, that told you more about him as a person? We'd break some of the ice, but more than that we'd prove to you that he's... just, himself. No one else." She drops the arm and tries to give Kris a steady look. "And maybe you'd be less weirded out by what he looks like _without_ the hat and shadowy nega-fur getup," she adds, and they visibly stiffen. "Anyway. I'm sorry too."

Kris is silent as stone. Susie looks down and swings a leg to scuff the ground with her heel.

This... is pretty much the point where the conversation has blown past your ability to keep up with it. The fact that Ralsei seems as confused as he is enlightened by what Susie just said is small comfort on that count, although—hey. Hey, okay, _wait_. "Uhh... not to butt in or pretend I can't read the room," you say, then indicate Ralsei with your thumb, "but you're saying that's NOT what he normally looks like?"

This rouses Susie into gaping at you while Ralsei goes very, very pink. "You didn't _know?_ " she asks.

"Nope! As he explained with different words, it's not like I've had a lot of chances to meet up with a guy that reclusive." You think a moment before adding (because you've realized that maybe you _do_ have something to contribute here after all), "Okay. Follow-up for you, magicboy: if that's not your real fur, what _is_ the deal with that? I know you were hamming it up and trying to be all mysterious yesterday, but what's the point of a disguise _now?_ "

"... I kind of want to know that too," Kris finally says, quiet. They tense up under all the eyes suddenly glued on them, but they squeeze the paw they're still clinging to and go, "If, it's not too personal," at Ralsei.

When he smiles back at them, it's as kind as it is anxious. "It's a little bit personal," he admits, with a small laugh, "but I promised to volley some questions, didn't I? And I don't mind answering, if it's for you." With a steeling breath, he retracts a paw to push back the brim of his hat. "Mostly, this is just how I like to look! I've had this hat for ages—an old standby, for good reason—and the black fur... well, I'm not sure how much you know about glamours? It's like cloaking, but magical. I guess it's fair to look at it as a disguise, but to me it's more like an outfit." While he says the last bit, he holds out his arm and his scarf helps to roll up his sleeve. "Simple as these things go," he continues, "with a little something extra to pretty it up," and then he twists his forearm, fingers spreading too. His fur catches the not-light of the Dark in a way that shows off the subtle gradients shimmering therein, like rainbow glitter.

Susie whistles lowly. "Leave it to the nicest chump here to flex on all of us by doing secret magic twenty-four-seven?? Un-freakin'-real."

"Yeah, it kind of highkey rules?" Kris says.

Ralsei's scarf tips his hat downward a touch, cowboy-style. "I-it has a low energy footprint, really," he says, face flushed and arm lowering so the sleeve drops back to its full length. "And I can't do it while I'm asleep, ha. It's nothing to write home about."

This is nice and all, but you decide to zero in on the most obvious implication: "Oh! Is _that_ why your HP is so low? Not gonna lie, sweetest of peas, that makes getting on my case about battle strategy kind of hilarious."

"N— _no??_ Nothing's draining my HP, I just have a naturally low threshold for coping with attacks!" Ralsei sighs, his fluster peeling off as he says, "It's... this is the way I've been for as long as I can remember, before I even thought about using a glamour. It's not related at all."

Kris runs their teeth over their lower lip before saying, "You said 'mostly', before. About why you do it."

He exhales through his nose. "I did, yes," he says, and though he's smiling again the way he and the stiffened tails of his scarf hold themselves make it obvious how uncomfortable he's gotten. "So... I'm sure you've noticed that Darkners can look all sorts of ways, right? The same goes for Lightners, of course! And due to the nature of our Realms' relationship with each other, there's some crossover on that front too—Seam, for example. In a lot of ways, they look like a monster you might see walking around in the Light World. Now... " He trails off. His discomfort ticks upward until he grimaces, then touches the brim of his hat and says to Kris, "Can I... ?"

They apparently know what he means, because they nod after a drawn-out moment of worrying their lip again and detach their hand from his paw. Ralsei takes two steps back, grabs hold of his hat with his other paw. Then off his hat comes.

It's not your first time seeing a glamour disperse, but Ralsei goes about this with... pretty much no fanfare? It's maybe two blinks between the magician you've known and the floofy doppelganger-but-not-really now clutching a floppy hat to his chest, fur white as milk and pink horns to match his nose and the beans on his paws. You hear nothing from Kris and a stifled noise from Susie as this goes down.

Also though, there's... there's, _something_ about this? Almost like you should know—oh; wait, _hold up_. Doesn't he look like—

"The thing," Ralsei says, picking up from where he left off, "is that some of us who fall into that overlap aren't, really... _made_ the same way, as other Darkners. And that can make us stick out like sore thumbs."

—yeah, you were right, then. He _does_. But it would be rude to say something—it's not like he needs the confirmation anyway—so you don't.

"So... " The breath Kris drags in isn't all that steady, and they gulp before continuing, "You were also doing this so you could... fit in better. Right?"

Ralsei nods, looking more self-conscious than ever. "As I said, it's not the biggest reason, but... looking back it feels silly, but right after our adventure I was _so excited_ to show you what I really look like! Some part of me had thought I might—that I might, feel more comfortable in my own skin, after you both knew." He looks to the ground, hat starting to rumple under his grip. "It didn't exactly pan out that way," he says, voice as close to bitter as you've ever heard it. "Both because it wasn't something I should have pinned my hopes on _and_ for reasons I never thought to figure in."

Susie coughs pointedly. "Yyeah, about that," she says, and she looks like Kris did earlier on the count of "wanting to shove her hands into pockets she doesn't have". "Kris, I told Ralsei that he looks a lot like your big bro. I was just spitballing about what was bugging you, but... "

"Yeah. Yeah, I get it." Kris becomes hard to read again, as they sigh in a gust and press their hands to their face, fingers set to rubbing their forehead. Their hands fall back to their sides after a few seconds, and then they're quiet. Everyone is.

"I can't pretend to know how awkward this has to be for you," Ralsei ventures, at length. "But if this means we won't—that we can't be friends, I." He swallows. "I can understand that. I'll back off and respect it."

"Ralsei... "

"And if it would make things easier, I could also... I've never tried full transmogrification before, I've only read up on it, but if there's a chance it'd help at all I could—"

He doesn't get to finish. Kris stops shy of tackling him in a hug, but hug they do. Ralsei has just enough reaction time to drop his hat and avoid it getting crushed between them.

"Don't"—Kris' breath hitches and, jeez, you think they're about to cry—"don't you fucking, _dare_. Not if you don't want to. Not just, because my brain _fucking sucks_ and I can't handle jackshit without someone holding my hand."

"... Oh." Ralsei isn't hugging back, but he blinks a few times and seems to recover enough from the abruptness of it all to relax a little. "Well. This is kind of beside the point," he says, with a forced but sincere brightness, "but I like your brain just fine, for what it's worth."

Kris makes an ugly wet noise, caught between miserable and some emotion you can't put your finger on. They pull back pretty fast after that, giving themself a one-armed hug instead as they drag the other one across their eyes. "Sorry. Should've asked to hug first," they say, then mumble lowly, "and yesterday too."

"I don't really mind, honest." Ralsei's scarf, ever the multitasker, scoops up his hat from the grass and neatly deposits it into his waiting paws. "Of course, once I get more practice in," he says, voice softened with bashfulness, "so I know I could give you a good one... I could ask to hug _you_ , if that would be okay?"

Kris sniffles loudly, nods. It's too late for their crying to not be some degree of gross, so they end up grinding their wrist against their nose to wipe it. "If, I'm still weird about things for a while... "

"That's okay, too. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's wait." His smile goes lopsided. "Besides, you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to, either."

"And even if he was someone who'd give you a hard time about it, that'd still be true. Also, I'd kick his ass." Susie finally steps into the unspoken circle Kris and Ralsei had made for themselves. Kris swivels to face her, still sniffling. "Hey, bud," she says. Her voice is gentled, but crusty with awkward. "You, uh, okay?"

They say nothing for a couple seconds, and then prop their forehead against her chest with an unceremonious _whump_. "No," they croak.

Susie's tiny chuckle is mirthless. "I getcha." Carefully, she splays a hand across Kris' upper back, below the base of their neck. When they lean into this, she gives them pats on the head with her other hand, then graduates to clumsy strokes through their hair. She seems to wrestle with wanting to say something else before she gives up with a sigh, and then she shoots you a hapless glance. "Man. Sorry, Lancer. We were supposed to hang out, not rope you into our stupid drama."

"'Overdramatic' was the word he used," Kris says into Susie's shirt. "S'not wrong."

You shrug at them both. "Eh. If these're the hazards of having friends, I could do a lot worse," you say, and this gets a snort out of Susie. Truth be told you _are_ feeling kind of left out, but it's becoming obvious there's layers to whatever is going on with Susie and Kris and even Mr. Goody-No-Shoes that are beyond your ability to peel back right now. And... it's just a hunch, but you get the impression this isn't just because of the things they're not taking the time to explain to you. Maybe you're better off left a little in the dark ( _heh_ ), at least for now.

Of course, this doesn't stop you from wanting to contribute (once more, with feeling) and Be A Pal. "Besides, now... I'm, kinda thinking 'overdramatic' was too mean?" you admit. "I dunno. It feels like we're all going through stuff. I don't think I like the idea of making fun of you guys for that, not anymore."

"Lancer, that's... really mature of you," Ralsei says. He's very obviously trying to modulate his tone so he sounds more complimentary than surprised. "And you're right. It doesn't look like any of us is having a walk in the park right now, legend or no legend to deal with." He lifts his hat to chin-level, like he's dithering on whether to put it back on, then looks down at his fluffy white paws. "I wish I was handling my walk a little better, personally," he adds, rueful.

Susie grunts. "Hey, at least _you_ don't deal with your shit by acting like a rowdy piece of garbo to everyone."

Kris lifts a hand and gives her a light smack in the ribs. "I suck too but I don't wanna compare notes. Let's rename our team instead."

"Ohhh??" you say. This is perking you right up. "Does that mean you've got an idea? We never heard one from you."

"I do. It's super original." Kris halfway emerges from Susie's chest by turning their head toward the rest of you. The movement catches and draws their bangs aside; their eyes are bloodshot, but not as wet anymore at least. "We're 'The Fuck _Up_ Squad' now," they announce.

A beat passes. And then Susie's face warms and lifts until it's lit up like—well, nothing you would find down here.

" _HA!_ I _knew_ you liked my idea best!!" she shouts, fist shooting into the air. "In your FACE, losers!"

"Yours had punch," Kris agrees. They've pulled back from Susie, though they haven't bothered to put a whole lot of space between themself and her. "Now it has double the punch."

"It, certainly has a self-deprecating ring to it now!" Ralsei's voice has the bright tremor of someone who's uneasy with what's going on but is trying to be supportive anyway. "I like that it's a play on words... "

"Hell yeah, we're all about that creative vibe here," Susie says. Then her grin falters, almost like she's catching some of Ralsei's unease. "Actually... uh, shit. Maybe we should walk that one back? Considering a whole half of our team aren't the cussing type for legal reasons or whatever."

You frown, and Ralsei looks just short of affronted as he raises a brow at her. "These, uh, 'legal reasons or whatever' being... ?" he prods.

"WELL, like... I'm still working with Lancer on climbing 'the swear tiers', cuz that's a literal mechanic he has to deal with apparently? And you—"

"Almost said one earlier," you point out.

This earns you a round of bald staring. Jiminy _wow_. Did the rest of them _really_ miss that? Really??

"Uh. Come again?" says Susie.

You sigh at the whole lot of them (except Ralsei, whose wide eyes and rosy cheeks tell you he knows _exactly_ what he did). "I said that he almost... y'know... " Of course _you_ can't actually say it, so you have to settle for the lamer option, and in a discretely-lowered voice to boot. " _Dropped an f-bomb._ "

Susie and Kris share a look. Then they make faces, like they're trying to backtrack through the conversation in their heads. When Susie seems to hit upon it she blinks, and then she... she laughs _really hard_.

"Oh, my god?" she says. "You mean _that??_ Dude, I'd bet you five Dark Dollars he was gonna say 'fudge' or something."

"Are you suuure about that?" you say, dubious.

"Uh, yeah? I mean—fine, it might not've been 'fudge' _exactly_ given the context, but c'mon! It's _Ralsei_."

"... So?"

That's from Kris. Susie squints at them as they tap their chin, the portrait of thoughtful. "Hey. Seriously?" she says.

They shrug at her. "Guess I'm agnostic on that. You should ask him though, if he wants to say."

" _Ahem!_ If I may have a moment, please... !!"

You turn around to see Ralsei's scarf neatly plop his hat back onto his head, in the same breath he restores his glamour. He steps closer, with purpose, blush lingering but the rest of him looking all business otherwise. "Susie," he says, cordially, "I don't feel like you're saying any of this to make fun of me—at least, I don't think you mean to—that said, I'm... mm. Well, I'm not sure I appreciate you being so presumptuous, to be frank!"

Susie puts up both of her hands, palms out. "Whoa whoa, nah, I'm not trying to put you on blast and I know you're not a prude. I mean, not in a classical sense—"

"'Classical'?" he repeats. _Enunciates_ , really, with his arms folded.

"You're not the Cussing Police, is what I'm getting at," she enunciates right back. "But, dude, I'm not pulling this out of my ass. You don't swear casually and you got KO'd in battle, what, six times that I saw? Thrashed to a pulp a dozen other times?? The strongest thing out of your mouth was shit like 'ARGH' or 'YGGFGH' before you bit the dust."

While Susie's talking, Ralsei uncrosses his arms to count on his fingers, one ear still pricked towards her. He stops with a murmured "it _was_ six of them", looks up again, then tops the whole thing off with a paw poised on his chest. "Why, Susie," he says, in warmed tones, "I had no idea you were paying that much attention to me."

"Wh—oh screw _off_ , don't make out like it's sentimental or whatever for me to keep an eye on my teammate during a goddamn fight."

"Heh. 'Make out'," Kris says.

She lifts an arm to point at them without turning her head. "Don't. Encourage. Him," she orders, and Kris answers by blowing her a kiss that she either doesn't see or flatout ignores. "Okay. Alright, I... y'know what? Even if Lancer's right I've gotta ask—Ralsei, this is one-hundred percent serious, I'm still not poking fun—but are you, like... are you physically incapable of cussing?? I mean that literally, is there some hocus-pocus forcing you to keep your mouth clean?"

You'd say the way Ralsei just _stares_ at first speaks enough volumes. But he's a courteous fella who puts a bow on things by sighing, with the polite exhaustion of a cartoon professor.

"I don't really have an exciting answer for you," he says, rubbing the side of his head. "It's just something I choose not to do. Simple as that."

"Oh." Susie sounds... almost disappointed.

And you don't know if it's because of that, but Ralsei stops rubbing and flicks his gaze to you, then Kris. Not like he's questioning, just... looking. He squares his shoulders the tiniest bit when he meets Susie's eyes again.

"For the record, though," he continues, and—he makes as if to adjust his glasses, but his paw diverts and swipes them off his face instead, "Lancer was right, and I darn well _know_ how to say 'fuck', Susie."

Oh,

 

_dang????_

For a moment there's nothing but the warble of those weird eldritch birds loitering somewhere past the trees. Your mouth has dropped open to form the platonic ideal of an "o"; Susie's so flabbergasted her hair is standing on end.

Kris ends up breaking the silence with a firm clap of their hands, followed by another, then a third. And then some more claps, with spaced-out vigor.

As if that was his cue, Ralsei hands off his glasses to his scarf, which proceeds to shove them back onto his muzzle. "And now I'll never say it again!" he says, cheerful.

Susie responds with a wheeze, by means of the world's squeakiest cough.

"... Um." Ralsei furrows his brow at her. "Are you alright, Susie?"

"Friggin', _dandy_." She coughs again, less wheezy, then starts to chuckle into her hand. "You... _god_. Please tell me you guys heard that??"

"I know I did!" you tell her. "Very punchy, as far as one-time performances go."

"Also, you owe Lancer five bucks," Kris deadpans.

Scoffing at them takes the edge off of Susie's shock. "Dude, _you're_ the one holding the purse strings. I've got zilch."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't bet with other people's money, ya silly-billy!" You say that fondly though, and Kris forks over a Dark fiver from their coffers without a lick of protest.

Susie just sighs for her part, though not without good humor. "Yeah... okay," she says, to Ralsei now. "That? Was a hell of a power move. Color me, uh, proud?? It's, some kind of feeling I'm having here."

"What you did was sick ay-eff and I won't forget it for the rest of my life," Kris says, with requisite awe.

Susie points her thumb at them. "What they said." She pauses, smile going crooked. "Though, uh... actually, forget it, I was gonna ask you to warn me before pulling something like that again but I kinda had this one coming?? So."

Ralsei laughs warmly. "It's okay, I think I can handle that if you need it," he says, and then his cheeks color for what feels like the umpteenth time today. "Um. You should know, hearing all of this means a lot coming from you guys. Even if it's just for doing something silly, or... I guess, a little bit petty?? It makes me happy."

Susie fights off a softened smile with a roll of her eyes. "Yeah yeah, ex-oh ex-oh to you too, you sappy asshole." She gives him a playful punch in the shoulder and all three of them laugh, sidling close, jockeying to breach each other's personal bubbles without complaint.

You would join in on this, but... well. This feels very specifically like a _them_ moment. Which you can live with, if they're happier now and have exorcised some of the hostile energy they were pickling in. And hey, you helped sort that out!! After a fashion! That makes your kinging record thus far two-for-two on conflict resolution. Who needs a big throne to look regal and important when you've got little ol' you getting the job done? (Though of course you have the throne too. That thing's sticking around, as far as you're concerned.)

Anyway, you see Kris raise their hand as everyone's weird collective gigglefit simmers down. "Really important question," they say, looking at Ralsei. "If you're never gonna say 'fuck' again, does that mean we can start calling you 'The Dark Prince Who Gives No Fucks'?"

"Oh my god," says Susie.

"But in like, a complimentary way obvs."

One tail of Ralsei's scarf curls at the end and props itself against his chin, contemplative, and he taps one foot against the ground. When he finally answers it's with a straight-faced, "I'll consider it."

"OH MY _GOD_." Susie shout-whispers this as she lunges, and suddenly she and Ralsei's scarf are engaged in (what you're assuming is) a friendly slapfight. Kris may or may not be refereeing; they're laughing too hard to look like they're really trying.

As you haul butt to help Susie out— _this_ seems more your speed than whatever was going on before—you're thinking of two things, chiefly: one, you love these dumb beautiful clowns; and two, the way things are going, you can probably count on never suffering through a dull moment around said dumb beautiful clowns.

Foiled schemes notwithstanding, you can't think of more you could ask from a universe that's finally given you the gift of true friendship.

**Author's Note:**

> sup gang can you believe i literally wrote 9k just for the part where ralsei says "fuck"? you can thank/curse that bit for the rest of this fic, whichever floats your boat


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